It’s summer.
This used to be such a happy time for us. It was full of play, being outside together, taking walks to the beach and going to the ice cream truck with your friends. We would pick blueberries, strawberries, raspberries and we would mix them all together into a fruit salad adding some of your favourite fruit, the watermelon. What a treat, and what fun we had. Sadly, we only got one happy and healthy summer together here in Finland because our second summer in this new country would turn into a nightmare. In June 2024, you suddenly collapsed and we received the most devastating news. The next month you had another collapse, another moment where your little heart would fail. And the last and final collapse was in August, it would be the moment that you died in my arms. June is also the month we celebrate your birthday. But what do we celebrate now? Something that could have been but never will be? You will forever be four years old, and this year you would have turned six. It was your favourite number, because the boy you had a crush on was six years old. And you couldn’t wait to reach that age.
My child, you have no idea how incredibly sad I am. Every single day I have to spend my days here alone. We were a little family, you, me and our cat Raja. Now it’s just me and Raja. He sometimes still goes to sleep in your bed, or in your tipi tent, when you didn’t want him in your bed because he kept playing with your toes. It’s as if he is still looking for you, although you are not there anymore. But I am also looking for you, everywhere I go. And I see you and feel you in everything that is alive; in the trees, the leaves, the sky, in the wind that blows, the sound of the waves, the birds chirping. You are everywhere, because you are one with God, and God made every single living thing here on earth. And I am one with God, we are all one and connected. And the stronger the love, the stronger the connection we share.
Sometimes you send me a sign, especially when life feels particularly hard. After having to live two summers without you, I have experienced that your soul is always near, and that I can always connect with you. This understanding gives me great comfort, but sometimes it’s just not enough. Then I dwell in the pain and longing for you. I can still feel myself brushing your hair, or seeing you dance in the bathroom after you had your bath. I remember that I sometimes even felt slightly annoyed because I couldn’t wrap the towel around you, you just kept jumping up and down and giving me kisses. Oh, and how I miss those little arms around me. I would do anything to have that back again, to hold you for one last time. But I never will…
Maybe one day, if God allows it, I will have another child again. But even then, that child will never be you. And I will be reminded of all the things that we never got to experience together. Lumi, I will have to carry this pain for the rest of my life. But this is the price I pay for loving you, for being your mother for these wonderful years. I will do anything for you, as long as you promise that you stay by my side and help me through this thing called life. I could never do this without you.
I love you,
Mama