I am writing this blog as a continuation of the story I shared earlier, about the life of my daughter Lumi who ultimately passed away at the age of four. Since her passing, many mystical experiences have occurred. My hope is to offer comfort and hope, and perhaps answer some questions for those who have gone through similar experiences with a loved one. The universe is vast, and we do not have all the answers. Yet somewhere deep inside, most of us feel that there is more between heaven and earth than we can explain.
Let us begin with the story of the twins. This story takes place in the womb and was written by Henri Nouwen. It is a conversation between Ego and Spirit. One baby says to the other, “I believe there is life after birth.” The second baby responds with disbelief. “Don’t be ridiculous. This is all we have, and we must make do with it. Forget that nonsense about life after birth.” “Yes, but still,” the first baby replies. “I think that after birth there is a mother, and that this darkness will make way for light. I think we will experience a joy that is far beyond anything we can imagine right now.” The other baby answers, “You’re crazy. You’ve never seen that light. This darkness is all we know. This is reality, and I don’t want to hear anything more about it.”
Perhaps we all recognize something of ourselves in this story. It serves as a fitting introduction to the journey that followed.
For as long as I can remember, I have felt that there was something greater than myself. Something we all come from and eventually return to. From a young age, I caught glimpses of another world. As I grew older, it seemed as though I was being called more strongly to explore it. And so began my search for God, the Universe, Mother Nature or Source. Whatever name you choose to give it. Every religion calls it something different, yet they all seem to point toward the same thing. It felt so close to me, yet at times impossibly far away. How could I grasp it? How could I truly experience it in the deepest sense? Then one day, it happened. For many years, I had visited a small chapel to light candles, pray and read from the Bible. One day, I watched a podcast where actor Shia LaBeouf spoke about his spiritual transformation. It was a beautiful testimony, describing a journey from living from the ego to a complete surrender to God. When he spoke the words, “To believe in God is the death of ego,” something clicked inside me. It was as though all the pieces suddenly fell into place. From that moment on, I lived in complete surrender and trust in God. It came at exactly the right time, though I had no idea that only a few years later, the life I knew would be gone forever. Neither did I know that my faith in God and in the afterlife would eventually save my life.
Vision
When I was 27 years old, I experienced my first vision. The best way I can describe it, is as a three second film that suddenly plays inside my mind. As if I were watching a movie internally. It feels seared unto my brain because many years later, I can still recall every detail. In that vision, I saw myself wearing white hospital clothing, bleeding out in a maternity bed. I could never quite understand what it meant. Over the years, I saw it several times. Was it a glimpse of the future? Or was it a deeply rooted fear manifesting itself through imagery? I only understood it three years later, in 2020, when I gave birth to my daughter Lumi. After the delivery, a piece of placenta remained inside me, which the doctors had overlooked. By the time they intervened, I had lost nearly three liters of blood and was saved only at the last moment. In the vision, my clothing had been white but in reality, they were black. But the event itself was essentially the same. The vision seemed to have been a warning of what was to come. When Lumi was one year old, I experienced my second repeating vision: I opened the door to her bedroom and saw her lying lifeless in her little bed. I could not exactly tell how old she was, but she was no older than five. It was horrifying to experience, and deep down I knew that this would become a reality too.
My child was going to die. But I simply could not accept it. And yet, from that moment on, I began mentally preparing myself for what might come. I started reading the stories of parents who were facing the loss of a child or who had already experienced it. There was one detail in which the vision would differ from reality. Lumi did not die in her own bed. She died in mine. Since her passing, I have experienced two more visions. Unlike the previous ones, they showed me a hopeful future. In one I saw myself pregnant, joyfully telling my friends that I was expecting a child again. In another, I saw myself holding a baby on an airplane. I was speaking to the woman sitting beside me, telling her about my daughter Lumi in Heaven and explaining that the baby in my arms was my second daughter. I even mentioned this baby’s name. Because of my previous experiences, I believe these visions will also become reality and that one day I will be a mother again. Even now, I remain curious about the little details. Perhaps it will be a son instead of a daughter. But only time will tell.
A few weeks after Lumi’s passing, my neighbour came to me with tears in his eyes. He could barely wait to tell me what had happened. This lovely man had just recently retired. He was also the person who ultimately saved my life after my attempt. He is practical and grounded, and he suddenly found himself having a vision. It was the first one he had ever experienced, and he could not understand what had happened to him. He described how Lumi had come to him and delivered a message meant specifically for me. He shared details that he could never have known. And then he told me Lumi’s final words: “Mommy, I will always be here, and I will always be waiting for you.” To this day, I feel the truth of those words. They are one the greatest gift I have received in the midst of this unimaginable tragedy.
Contact
A few days after Lumi passed away, I was lying in the hospital bed, feeling broken beyond words. As I stared at the ceiling, I suddenly felt a warm glow in my chest. It was a comforting, loving sensation. Then I heard my daughter’s voice call out clearly: “Mommy!” It sounded so close, as though she were only a few feet above me. Tears started to stream down my face. She sounded so happy and full of joy. But above all, she sounded free. Free from all the pain and suffering she had endured. In that moment, she was letting me know that everything was okay. That she was Home again.
What I experienced is something many other parents have experienced as well. More than seventy five percent of bereaved parents and members of their immediate family report one or more spiritual experiences following the death of a child. For parents who have not experienced this yet but hope to, it may still come. When people are deep in grief, it can be difficult to recognize signs or feel the presence of their child. Sometimes it simply takes time. Because I have experienced the spiritual realm from a young age, the contact came relatively quickly for me. But I believe this is possible for everyone. Practices such as meditation and other calming activities can help. These states encourage the brain to enter a more relaxed alpha state, making us more receptive to subtle experiences and feelings of connection. You can also ask your loved one for a sign or invite them to visit you in a dream. Trust that it will come and keep your heart open to receiving it. And when it does come, do not immediately dismiss it. They are always with you. Their soul remains forever connected to yours, and they want nothing more than to maintain that bond. And wherever they may be, they are doing well. More than well. Many descriptions of the soul’s natural state speak of a feeling beyond anything we experience here on Earth. Imagine the happiest day of your life and multiply that feeling a hundredfold. That profound sense of peace and joy is all you could ever wish for your child, even when they are no longer here beside you.
Signs & Synchronicities
When I made the decision to move to Finland, I asked God to make the path clear to me. I asked whether my plan was truly the right one and whether He would help us find our dream home. Within a week, three remarkable things happened. One day, while I was with a client, a stork landed right in front of us. It appeared out of nowhere. It was unusually close and completely unexpected. Because I felt instinctively that it meant something, I looked up its symbolism. A stork is often associated with a new beginning. I thought well, that seems fitting. The next day, Lumi and I went away for a short hotel stay. Due to an issue with our room, we received a complimentary upgrade to a deluxe suite. Inside the room resting on the bedside table, was a Bible. Once again, it felt like confirmation that we were heading in the right direction. A few days later, I called a real estate agent about a beautiful house I had found in Finland. I felt strongly drawn to it. Unfortunately, the agent did not answer the phone. That same evening, I sat on my bed and said out loud: “God, if this house is meant for us, please give me a sign.” Less than a minute later my phone rang. “Good evening, this is the real estate agent. The house is still available. Are you interested?” That was all I needed to know. I flew to Finland, and within two weeks the purchase was complete. To this day it remains my dream home, and I would not want to live anywhere else.
What I have described above are examples of synchronicities. Carl Jung, the renowned psychiatrist and spiritual thinker, described them as “meaningful coincidences.” He believed that these events are not random but instead carry personal significance for the individual experiencing them. How often have we all experienced something similar? You think about someone you have not spoken to in years, and suddenly they call you. You search endlessly for something specific and cannot find it anywhere. Then the moment you let go of the search, the perfect example appears right in front of you. Whether it concerns a possession, a friendship or a romantic relationship, the principle is the same. Things arrive at the right place and the right time. Many people refer to this as divine timing. When you move with the flow of life and trust your intuition, the best possible opportunities often reveal themselves. If something feels wrong, perhaps it was never meant for you. If one door closes, perhaps it was not your path, and another door will open elsewhere. Trust your intuition. It is your direct connection to the universe.
After Lumi’s passing, these meaningful events began occurring almost every week. The universe constantly sends signs. They can appear through specific songs, dreams, repeating numbers, unusual encounters with animals, feathers found in unexpected places, coins that seem to appear out of nowhere or even conversations with strangers. Every day signs are there to guide us and gently point us in the right direction. Sometimes they are incredibly subtle. Many of us move through life in a hurry. We fill our schedules, focus on responsibilities, and rush from one task to the next. In doing so we often miss these signals. And sometimes because we miss them, we never fully step into our potential or discover what would truly make us happy. Many people live with a lingering feeling that something is missing. That life has more to offer. And it probably does; but it may already be within reach. We simply need to learn how to listen.
On the day I was allowed to say my final goodbye to Lumi’s body before her burial, I sat outside in the sunshine. I was filled with sadness, but also gratitude that I still had the opportunity to spend those final moments with her. As I quietly spoke to Lumi in the garden, a dragonfly suddenly landed on my leg. When Lumi was alive, we often watched dragonflies together and tried to touch them, but they would immediately fly away. This one did not. It stayed exactly where it was, even when I shook my leg. And I suddenly felt it. This was different. It felt like a sign. It was as though the dragonfly wanted me to notice it and understand it’s message. When it finally flew away, I looked up the symbolism and found that a dragonfly can represent a soul letting loved ones know that it is free and has returned Home. In that same afternoon, a close friend messaged me. She told me she had been speaking out loud to Lumi when a dragonfly suddenly landed on her. She had no idea what had happened to me earlier that day. Shortly afterward, another friend sent me a photograph of his young son. A dragonfly had landed on the boy’s hat. Beneath the photo he wrote: “Lumi stopped by to say hello.” I was astonished. I immediately shared my own experience and my friend’s experience from earlier that day. It was extraordinary, but also deeply comforting. It felt as though Lumi had visited several people that day. And she knew from that moment forward, that I would always associate dragonflies with her. The first time I returned to the Netherlands after her death, I found myself whispering outside: “I miss you, sweetheart.” At that exact moment, my attention was drawn to a dragonfly sticker attached to a wall at the train station. The entire concrete wall was empty except for that single sticker.
A dragonfly.
That is how these moments often work. They become personal. The signs appear in ways that immediately connect you to the person you love. In that moment, I felt comforted once again. Because no matter where you are, they are always with you. They are always aware of what you are doing. This is just one example of the many spiritual experiences that have followed. I keep a record of them, both my own and those shared by the people closest to me. My spiritual connection has deepened and evolved in ways I never thought possible. It carries me through my darkest days, reminding me that not everything has been lost. Lumi’s soul lives on, and she continues to reach me in different ways. More than anything, she would want her mother to live a joyful and meaningful life. Every day, I do my best to honour that wish. Even though there are moments when the pain feels so overwhelming that I want nothing more than to leave this world behind. But the name Lumi means “light of life.” And that is exactly what she is. She continues to guide me forward. Even when her mother can no longer see the way herself.
Near Death Experience
I have nearly died twice. The first time was during the birth of my daughter, and the second one was moments after her passing. During the first experience, I experienced a feeling of total and unconditional love. As my body was dying, my consciousness seemed to rise upward to a place of black, velvety darkness. Yet it was the most comforting and loving environment I ever experienced. Later when I began researching near death experiences, I discovered that many others had described something similar. This velvety space is sometimes considered a transitional realm, a place where people briefly stay before entering the well-known tunnel of light. I remained only in this space. And despite having just become a mother, I was surrounded by such infinite warmth and love that I did not want to return to earth. While all of this was taking place, I was simultaneously being rushed into the operating room and placed under general anaesthesia. At that point, my journey into the afterlife came to an end.
Millions of people around the world have reported near-death experiences. Many describe traveling further into the afterlife, where they encountered loved ones, angels, guides or even God. He is often described as the most beautiful and radiant light imaginable. The Source from which we all originate, and of which each of us carries a spark within our soul. I have always found this subject fascinating and have therefore read many books and watched countless podcasts on the topic. Dr. Jeffrey Long spoke extensively about near-death experiences on Theo Von’s podcast. He conducted what is considered the largest study of near-death experiences ever undertaken. In the Netherlands, cardiologist Pim van Lommel became internationally known for his own ground breaking research. He also wrote a book on the subject, Endless Consciousness, which was later adapted into a documentary. There are many respected physicians and neuroscientists who have explored the possibility that consciousness exists beyond the physical body, beyond time and space. The most common realization reported during a near death experience is that consciousness continues to exist independently of the physical body. People often describe being surrounded by unconditional love whilst also recognizing; “There is my body, but that is not who I truly am.” Almost all of them refer to the afterlife as Home. They describe it as a homecoming. Everything there feels more real than life on Earth, and nearly every person says that they wanted to stay.
We are spiritual beings born into physical bodies to have a human experience. This concept can be found throughout the world’s major religions. It stretches back to Ancient Egypt, the Roman Empire, and indigenous traditions such as those of the Aboriginal peoples and Native Americans. It is largely in the modern Western world that we have drifted away from these ideas, losing much of our connection to Source, to nature and to ourselves. The story of Dr. Mary Neal reinforced my belief that certain turning points in our lives may already be known before they occur. During her near-death experience, she encountered Jesus and was shown that her eldest son would die prematurely. After returning to Earth and recovering from her accident, she kept this knowledge to herself, hoping that what she had seen would never become reality. Ten years later, that same son would die in a car accident. She has since written a book about her experience and become a public speaker. Yet the story that moves me most deeply is that of Jeff Olsen, whose near-death experience can be found on Anthony Chene’s YouTube channel. Through immense tragedy, he underwent a profound spiritual awakening and transformation.
Because what remains when you lose everything? Who are you then? Beneath the deepest pain, there is a space of infinite love and connection. When you can transform your suffering into helping and supporting others, by bringing more light into the world, that then becomes the greatest gift within a tragedy. As the thirteenth-century poet Rumi so beautifully wrote: “The wound is the place where the Light enters you.”
To all the dear parents reading this: hold on to hope. Even when the days feel endless, life itself is short. And one day, your moment will come. The one waiting for you in Heaven will be the most beautiful angel you have ever seen, with a smile you will recognize among thousands. Ready to guide you home. The most precious gift you ever lost and will one day embrace again; your beloved child.